Symbiotic communities – the future for Seniors?

Ravi looked at his mobile for the 10^th time in the last hour or so. It was 2.25 am. Insomnia was not a problem with Ravi. But today sleep eluded him. He got up to go to the washroom. When he came back, there was a Whatsapp message for him – from his sister Vaishnavi. It said father is critical and She was asking whether Ravi can come over.

Their father had been in not-so-great-health and had been going in and out of hospitals, for some years now. He called Vaishnavi.  She was crying and was hardly able to utter a word. He consoled her and after a while she said,” Father seems to be sinking. Doctors are not saying anything. But I have a bad feeling about where this is going. Can you come over?”.

It was Ravi’s turn to despair about his unenviable position. He was in San Jose, California in an IT company in a very senior position. His company was evaluating a takeover target and he was leading that team. There were meetings over the next 10 days that were crucial. It would be very difficult for him to wriggle out at this juncture. He did not have an answer – atleast not something that could soothe Vaishnavi. He was toying with what to say.

“Are you there Ravi?”, Vaishnavi asked. “Yes…yes…um…I want to come over… but do not know if I can… I am a bit stuck here with a very important project… I will come over the earliest I can. Hopefully father will recover soon”, he said hoping against hope that he was able to soothe the frayed nerves of his sister. There was a pause and a sigh, which conveyed deep disappointment. “Okay”, she said and cut the phone.

The next day was a very busy day for Ravi. The lunch meeting had started. He had some messages waiting, which he meant to check after the meeting. There was a call coming from his wife Vidya. She was calling again and again, which was very uncharacteristic of her. He had no other option but to excuse himself and talk to her. Vidya was now sobbing. Ravi got terrified with thoughts running wild.

“Are you okay? What happened?”, he asked. Stifling her sobs Vidya was able to convey that his father was no more. It was Ravi’s turn to be dumbfounded. He was numb with grief. A sense of helplessness and guilt was crushing him. He called Vaishnavi. She was unable to talk and was crying all the while he was on the line. All he was able to get from her was that he passed away 10 minutes ago.

He wanted to go to India. He asked his secretary to see if it is possible. Clara said she would let him know soonest. He did not go back into the meeting. He was just pacing down the aisle, ruminating over the life events and how his father has been a significant influence who shaped him and made him the man he was. Clara called back. She said it was impossible to get a flight to India as all travel to India was banned now due to Covid restrictions. Ravi was dumbstruck. He called his friend Shashi in United Airlines and asked him if he can help. Shashi told him that there is no way out of US for now.

He got on a call with Vaishnavi. He told her the situation. She said nothing.

His father was cremated, and his cousin Aditya in India was conducting the last rites and ceremonies.  Ravi finally came to India after ten months. He went and met his sister and mother first. They reassured him that they understood his situation. But somehow Ravi felt there was a chill in the relationship. Was it his imagination or was it really there?

This has played out, with some variations, for a lot of people living outside India. This had happened to some even within India who were not able to travel due to the severe restrictions imposed due to Covid.

This brings us to an important point. Many children want to study/ work abroad. It has become de rigueur for children to aspire going abroad. That could be attributed to peer pressure, availability of better colleges abroad, inability to land a seat in a good college, wanting to settle abroad etc. The peer pressure is a major factor. Children want to go where their friends are going, else they will feel left out and lose face.

Parents want to do the best for their children. When children bring on their pester-power, they succumb easily and are more than willing to do their bidding, even if that means parting with a major portion of their savings and taking a loan with their home as collateral. They comfort themselves that they are spending for “good education” after all. It makes no impression on them that their entire generation has studied in India and are doing quite well for themselves. Times have changed, they reckon. Also, helping their child study abroad is seen as a duty among parents. They are willing to do whatever the costs, which is a truckload.  They also want the prestige of being able to send their children abroad for education, like everyone else!

This is a thinly veiled attempt on the part of both the children and their parents to help the children settle abroad. Many times, the return on investment made does not justify the spends. Where the children do reasonably well, it takes time to recoup the investment and settle into a prosperous existence abroad. Giving the child those couple of crores which they may have to spend on education abroad and educate them in India would have ensured that the child could atleast start life with a huge monetary backing and could scale well.

This brings us to another important area. Children live in another part of the world while the parents are in India. Parents do not want to live abroad as their roots are here. Children are in a fix – they cannot relocate to India as their children have grown up in some other country and want to be there.  Parents live alone and travel once in a while abroad. Children travel to see their parents as often as they can, which generally is once every couple of years.

Assisted living homes ( aka old age homes ) are sprouting across the country and seniors are contemplating whether this is the way to go. The experience has been mixed. Going to an old age home still means uprooting from one’s locality and transplanting in new environs. That can be a difficult experience for many.

The only other option today is probably developing a community of similarly placed folks who are there for each other and support each other. The advantage is that one can continue to live in one’s home with all the attendant benefits and still have a support system of the community that will assist someone in case of a medical emergency, at least till someone from the family shows up. In other cases, it can well be that the entire assistance comes from this network.

This is probably the future. We all need to form our networks, access geriatric care facilities where necessary, provide assistance and solace to each other and live contentedly. We cannot complain – we certainly had played our part in our children going abroad. We cannot point fingers at them now.

Vaishnavi had experienced this first hand. Her father’s friends had swung into action and had ensured that everything went off smoothly, before her cousin Aditya showed up. Even after that, they were all there to assist and comfort her and her mother. Gomati aunty particularly was so empathetic that she was with them throughout, comforting them, giving them strength and being there as a pillar of support. Joshi uncle helped with all the paperwork and told them what needs to be done – from legal heirship to sending the death certificates and claiming the assets to changing the nominees.

Vaishnavi truly felt that they are the relatives they never knew they had! And then she thought about Ravi and a tear streamed out of the corner of her eye…